


Broken/Damaged

by fields_of_clover



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:06:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5351765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fields_of_clover/pseuds/fields_of_clover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the portal.</p><p>No Will baloney.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken/Damaged

It had been months. She was back working in the lab now. She wore her old clothes. She expertly formulated her hypotheses, scientifically ran her experiments, meticulously cataloged her findings. She smiled that wide smile that everyone complimented. She was her old self in every way. She finished Fitz' sentences, and they worked side by side. She had had a textbook recovery, just like they had all hoped, like he had hoped, and everything was the way it was supposed to be.

Fitz asked her if she was ready to move back into her own room, and she smiled, and nodded, and packed up her things. 

Then later, shattered, she slid to the floor between her bed and the back wall, pulled her knees to her chest, rocked and cried, because everything hurt so bad, scratching her nails on the underside of her thighs until they bled. She was short of breath, gasping, crying, she could feel her heart beating, slamming into her sternum, hear it thrumming in her ears. When the symptoms passed hours later and she realized she wouldn't die, no matter how much she begged her body to just give up, she got up off of the floor and climbed into her bed.

She was so exhausted that by the time she passed her fourth night writhing with the pain in her mind and body, she formulated a plan, and went to the lab alone in the middle of the night.

She created a silencer that would fit an icer, using tech that she and Fitz had worked on in the past. She decreased the concentration of the med-load accounting for her own body weight, and created over one-hundred long-acting bullets. Then, she developed a dormant-delay antidote, one that she could inject before shooting herself, that would counteract the icer's effects on a six hour delay, to wake her each morning. After that, she went to the armory and pulled an icer for herself to keep. She was a brilliant scientist.

 

She showered, and in her nightgown, she sneaked to the only upper level window in the base, that faced East. She watched the Sun rise with silent tears. She did this every morning. Six months without a sun really endeared her to the moment the Sun broke the horizon line, and cloudy days hurt her heart.

That was her routine now, playing the illusion all day long, happily excusing herself to go to her room, and then closing that door.

She would remove her jewelry, relieve herself, wash her face, and brush her teeth. Then she would pull her hair up into a bun and change into short cotton shorts and a tank top, and climb into her bed on top of the covers. She would sometimes have a drink of water, or listen to her ear buds for a bit, or just cry, but in the end, she would complete the necessary task. She would clean her right thigh with alcohol and intramuscularly inject the antidote, setting the syringe aside. Then she would pick up the gun, hold it to her left thigh, and pull the trigger.

 

She awoke. She reached clumsily, dazed, for the gun at her side, to turn on its safety. She did that every morning, but for some reason, she couldn't find the icer with her uncooperative fingers. 

It wasn't there.

"What are you doing to yourself, Jemma?" Fitz quietly asked from the chair next to her bed.

Jemma very slowly looked his way, drugged, confused, barely moving her head.

He didn't give her any time to respond, before continuing, flatly.

"We had a piece of alien technology dropped to us last night. Mack and I worked on it for a while, then we realized that there was a biological component to its working mechanism, and we needed your help."

He continued explaining, "I came to get you, but I couldn't get you to answer your door."

He sighed, "Eventually, I took apart the keypad, because I was worried about you."

She closed her eyes.

She had previously estimated that it took approximately twelve minutes from the time that she regained consciousness in the morning to regain her higher brain functionality and motor function. It wasn't ideal, but she hadn't had time to re-formulate the antidote yet, and dealing with the recovery lag was far superior to her alternative experiences of excruciating horror, fear, and dread.

Jemma had bruises all over her right thigh, ranging from light purple to dark wine, where she had been rotating the injection sites every night for months. Her left thigh exhibited a hot pink, angry-looking area, with clearly delineated borders, and non-blanching, warm to touch, but intact, skin. Icers didn't leave scars, but after being shot in the same place for several weeks, they caused one hell of a burn.

He gently tried to get her attention, "Jemma?"

She slowly, barely, turned her heavy head in the direction of his voice.

"What do... um, want , what, what, um, Fitz?" Her mind was not clear. "Do, what... me?"

Calmly, he asked, "What are you doing, Jem?"

"What... Hmm? Oh... You, mmm, I made me better," she said in a breathy whisper, turning her head away from him.

"How?" He asked patiently.

When she didn't respond, he touched her shoulder, "Jem, how? How did you make yourself better?"

Slowly, she turned back, eyes blinking heavily, "I, hmm, can't slee-don't sleep... ... I try really... try hard... do so well... um," she closed her eyes, "during the day, but it, well, I... I, um hurts."

She re-opened her eyes, and they shined with tears, "Um, everything, and I can't stop it, hurts, can't sleep, and I um... I can't do well during, I'm not good during the day... got to..."

She tried to focus, but stumbled on her words, "I can control it during, um, the day, if I... ... God, I... have... mmm...ice myself at night."

"What? When? How long Jemma?"

"When you, um, you... when, um you," she started nervously rubbing the hem of her shorts, when she could move her arms better, "I stopped slee-I'm not, you not sleeping... hmm, with you."

"Umm, you... hmm didn't, hmm," she whispered the end, "um, want me."

She tried to pull up her knees, but they were too heavy, then rushed on, "No sleep, and it hur-, panic epi-ep, um episodes. It hurts. I couldn't get, it wouldn't stop."

"Why didn't you tell me, Jem?"

She tried to sit, but couldn't lift her shoulders from the mattress. She looked at him, but didn't seem to see him.

"What? No, I don't want ," She gasped, then continued slowly, breathless, "Um, now. You, um, you, you um, loved me, but," she shook her head a little, "Um, no, not now.. broken," she looked through him, whispered then, "I don't want you to know."

She closed her eyes. 

She wasn't really sure what was happening, why he was there. 

He would have to tell her again, ask his questions again, in a few minutes.

Tears ran from the outer corners of her eyes into the hair above her ears. 

He could see her testing her limbs, and when she was able to move, she rolled away from him, and curled into a ball.

He watched her stunned, not sure what to do, how to help her.

A few minutes later she slowly rolled out of bed, towards the back wall of her bedroom. She caught herself with her arms on the bed, and pushed her legs up to a standing position, her palms flat on the mattress. She winced, as she gently palpated the burn on her left thigh. Then she checked her balance, by momentarily lifting both hands up at the same time. 

She lifted her head and made eye contact with him. 

"I wondered if you were really here or-" She tapped her index finger on her temple.

Satisfied she wouldn't fall, she took a shaky step to the foot of the bed. He stood up, too, held her icer in his hand.

"Ah," she pointed to the icer, "I trained myself, muscle memory, to turn on the safety with my fingers, even before I can really move."

"I will explain. I will," then, she paused, "Did I already explain?"

He wasn't sure what to say, so he shrugged.

"There is a twelve minute delay from the depot release, on the icer antidote, to full onset and recovery." 

She pointed to the syringe. 

" I will explain, but I don't want to miss it."

"Jemma?"

She pulled her robe over her shoulders, and turned to him.

"Sunrise... Come with me, or stay here. I will tell you whatever you want once it is over."

She ran down the hall, up the stairs, swerved to the right, then stopped at the end of the hall. She leaned her shoulder and her head against the brick wall on her right, and waited. 

She felt him come up beside her, but she didn't acknowledge him.

She watched the sun rise, her tears wet on her face. 

When it was over, she acknowledged him with a glance, used her hands to rub away her tears.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"We need to talk about this."

"Yeah."

"Jem?" He turned. 

He must have left the icer in her room, because he had nothing in his hands, when he cupped her face to make her look at him. She shut her eyes to avoid that connection.

"Jemma?" 

She opened her eyes.

"Talk to me."

She put her fingers around his wrists, and spun them, so that his back hit the wall she had previously been leaning against. 

He let go of her face, surprised by her movements, and she reached up, held his face in her hands. She leaned her body against his and pulled his face to hers. 

She rubbed her lips across his and shut her eyes. He shakily breathed, but didn't move. She did it again, and again. She sucked his bottom lip into her mouth and bit it gently. She licked the seam of his lips. She rubbed her mouth against his lips again, and then stopped, but didn't back up. 

"I want to feel alive," she whispered against his lips.

She looked into his eyes, "Please," she begged. "Will you please touch me?"

He groaned. One hand came up behind her head. The other pushed her backwards, flattened on her sternum. She collided with the wall at the other side of the hall behind her, and he pinned her there with his body. His lips crashed into hers. His hands moved to her waist, then immediately to her bottom pressing her to him. 

He tilted his head and dipped his tongue into her mouth. She pulled him in closer, one hand on the back of his head, the other at his shoulder. She ran her tongue along his and moaned into his mouth. She nipped at his lips and touched his shoulders and chest. 

She pulled at his shirt to untuck it, and unbuttoned the front. She slid her hands inside on his bare skin. 

He pressed her into him again, and she lifted her right leg and wrapped it around his waist. When he pressed into her again, she felt him shudder. 

She broke her mouth free and kissed his scruffy neck, open-mouthed, biting a little as she went. 

She kissed his clavicle and shoulder. 

He rocked against her. 

He pulled her tank top straps down from her shoulders and onto her arms, kissed her neck, and eventually trailed his way to each of her breasts. She actually bucked against him, and leaned down to run her tongue over his right ear, while he sucked her right nipple. 

She shrugged her arms out of the tank and it pooled around her waist. 

She grabbed his face and brought it back to hers. Then she ran her hands down his shoulders pushing his shirt off and letting it drop to the floor. 

Then she unfastened his belt and pulled him tighter against her by tugging the waist band of his pants. His hands cupped her breasts, while he kissed her mouth and neck. 

She dropped the leg wrapped around his waist, and he took a moment to push her tank, shorts, and panties over her hips and let them slide to the floor. 

She unbuttoned, then unzipped his pants, and freed him. 

She ran her hand up and down the length of him, and she bit his shoulder. 

He trailed his hands down her belly, rubbed at her center with his finger tips. She was so wet and slick. 

She shamelessly begged him, and rubbed against him, continuing to move her hand up and down his cock. 

She kissed his mouth and shoulders, and he slipped a finger inside her. She would have buckled but he pinned her to the wall, and added another finger. 

She could hear his fingers moving into and out of her. 

She bit his shoulder again, then returned to kissing his mouth. 

She pulled his hand up, removing his fingers from her, and brought it to her mouth. She sucked on his fingers, tasting herself, as she continued to run her hand up and down on him. 

She pushed his pants down over his hips, and stuck her tongue in his mouth, knowing he could taste her on her own tongue.

She hitched her right knee up by his hip, and he held it in place for her. Then she grabbed his hips, helped to align him, and pulled him into her, crying out. 

He pinned her to the wall that way for several seconds, kissing her mouth. 

When she whimpered into his mouth, he pulled almost all the way out and slammed back into her, and then again, and again. 

He re-positioned his hold on her thigh. He held its weight, by running his hand from inside her knee, up the underside of her thigh, resting the bend of her knee on his forearm, opening her legs even wider, and allowing him grab her ass, and pull her to him. 

She sucked on his neck and pulled him to her, again and again, with arms wrapped around his lower back. 

When she started to tighten and stumble, he told her put her arms around his neck. She grabbed a hold of the back of his neck and panted, her forehead pressed to his. 

Her pants turned into moans. Then her voice broke, and she shattered into a million pieces. He helped her ride it out, and she shook in his arms. 

He kissed her hard on the mouth, kept moving, harder and harder. 

She kissed his ear, throatily encouraged, "Come for me." 

After a few more thrusts, he buried himself deep and came, groaning loudly.

She groaned, too, with satisfaction, and because the force of him coming, buried that deep, was almost painful.

He released her leg, gently massaging the underside as she lowered it to the floor, but stayed pressed up against her, inside her.

There foreheads were pressed together, and they were breathing hard.

She licked her lips and chanced eye contact. 

He looked into her eyes.

"I will always want you. You're broken. I'm damaged. We will make that work."


End file.
